Tuesday, July 2, 2019

"Life is Beautiful. I Just Cannot Expierence it."

The above title is a quote from my adult son Matthew who is suffering from a mental health condition along with extreme anxiety. He has been on disability for 3  years now, and is with MHMR, sees his medical doctor, psychiatrist, and counselor regularly. Although he is on meds, nothing has touched the extreme anxiety he experiences.

Matthew's place of calm and peace is, here, at home. His perfect place is on the back porch, enjoying the day and the critters that the Lord brings to the yard. It hurts to see him so isolated. Once upon a time, he was social and out with his friends, leading a very normal life. Then his neurons started misfiring in his late twenties. It changed him irrevocably.

Yesterday was the start of a 3-day vocational evaluation. Driving there, Matthew turned to me and said, "Mom, I am not even nervous." I looked at him and indeed he appeared calm. No throwing up. No red face. No sweating. Not begging me to turn the car around and go home. Not the usual panic. I watched him walk into the building and now I had butterflies, not unlike the ones I experienced on his first day of kindergarten, but he was no longer 5. He was 34. No longer I could protect him in the same ways I did back then. Now, Matthew was an adult. He had to learn to function and be brave without me.

At noon we met for lunch at Pizza Snob. I asked how things were going. With a lift of his shoulders he answered, "Great. There's two other people besides me, and the teacher. I've been taking tests all morning and I know I did really bad on math."

"I'd be bad on the math, too," I admitted.
"No, Mom. I did really bad, but that's okay. I think I did good on most of the reading. Getting the results will help me find a skill I can do. I would like a part time job to supplement my disability. I want to be around people again. I want to feel useful. Maybe I can be a janitor."

I dabbed at my eyes. My heart was full. This is a dream. A prayer answered because Matthew had hope and was ready to take risks.

Yes, he is just half way through this testing. More hurdles to go over, more challenges to meet. But he is trying.

Our backyard is a beautiful place to be, but its not out in the world living the life he needs to have.





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